The Babysitter
by CocaCola Gold
Summary: He made his voice high and copied Elizabeth’s, 'Oh, Will, let’s strand Jack Sparrow in our house with our brats without any blasted rum'
1. Rum, or lack there of

_Okay, I know this concept totally implausible, but I liked the idea and I tried to keep Jack in character. It would take place awhile after the movies end, obviously._

The Babysitter

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"Thank you so much, Jack!" Elizabeth called back to the dazed captain as she and Will quickly pulled on their coats and left the house.

"Yes, well, no problem then…" Jack watched the door shut. He looked over at the baby in the cradle and then at the nice house he stood in. "Well, as long as it's just you and me, uh, what was your name, again?" He asked the baby, as it looked up at him, wide-eyed. "Well, I suppose we'll just call you Jack. It's what you should have been named…" Jack informed the child as he walked out of the main living room of the semi-large house and into the parlor. "Now, the rum…" Jack looked around for a moment, murmuring to himself. "She probably threw it all out." He made his voice high and copied Elizabeth's, "Oh, Will, this foul beverage should be thrown to the dogs. Oh, Will, let's go and but me a new dress. Oh, Will, let's strand Jack Sparrow in our house without any blasted rum!" He ended on a yell and noticed, having checked all the empty cabinets in the parlor, that he was now in the kitchen. "How on earth can someone need some many bloody pans!" He demanded before he looked up to see a little girl standing in the kitchen by the back door. "Oh." Jack watched the girl, bobbing his head back and forth to take her in. She was around four, with brown hair and brown eyes. She wore a little dress. "You wouldn't, by any chance know where the rum is, would you?" He asked and the little girl spoke in a very demeaning voice for such a young age.

"Mummy says that rum is a foul beverage that can turn even the nicest men into swine." She recited and Jack rolled his eyes.

"Of course she does." He grunted.

"Why are you in our house?" She asked and Jack examined her more closely.

"Well," Jack obtained a talk-to-children voice and squatted down to her level. "Your mummy and daddy don't love you anymore, so they are off to find a new little girl. Now, do you know if daddy keeps any rum?" Jack asked, smiling. The little girl gave a whimper, then burst into tears and tore passed Jack into the living room. Jack let his shoulders drop and stood to follow her in the other room, grunting. "I _hate_ women."

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Reviews? Did it suck or was it cool? Unsigned welcome…


	2. Mummy says

_Wow, I never expected to get such a reaction! Um, that's kinda hard to follow, but I'll try. Oh, and it's longer this time, so, here you go, as requested! Thanks for all the reviews!_

The Babysitter

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Jack Sparrow sauntered into Will and Elizabeth's living room after their daughter. She stood, whimpering.

"Who are you?" She asked, glaring at him.

"Well, that would be _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, savvy?" He smiled.

"'Captain?'" she asked, "You don't have a boat."

"Yes, well, I have the hat." He pointed it out. She looked skeptical. He knelt down and smiled at her, "Do you want to know what happened to my boat?" She nodded. "Well, before you were born, your mummy and your daddy fed my boat to a giant monster from hell. And then they took that monster and put it right under your bed." He smiled brightly.

The little girl gave a whimper then burst into tears. "Hey, girlie, shush!" He shushed her but she kept crying. "Okay, how about, HAULT!" He commanded, thrusting his arms forward in a semi-drunken motion. She sniffled and slowly backed away, scared of the man in the eyeliner. She hiccupped and Jack examined her again.

"You smell weird." She informed him and he frowned at her.

"Yes, well, you're a girl." He told her.

"So?" She asked, "Mummy says girls are smarted than boys." She sniffled again.

"Yes, well, mummy, having never actually having had the pleasure of being that of the male and, may I say, superior sex, could never and should never, as we all know women should be found in shirts or nothing at all, become dressed or otherwise suited in speech or apparel of that of a man, making her, therefore, a poor judge of the intelligence of said male genius." He eyed her, "Savvy?" He smiled.

"You have scary teeth." She told him and he rolled his eyes.

"What's your name?" He asked her.

"Eliza. It's short for Elizabeth, my mummy's name. Mummy doesn't call herself Eliza, though, she calls herself Elizabeth. That over there is Lucy. Lucy's the baby and she's named after daddy's mummy because-"

"Alright, alright!" Jack half-bellowed and Eliza shrunk back in fear and whimpered. "Oh, no-no, don't cry!" He whispered frantically and she sniffled. "Okay, little girl, from now on, you're little Jack 1, savvy? And that over there, that's little Jack 2. Now," he looked around, "Are there any more little Jacks running around that need to be named?" He asked and Eliza shook her head. "Good. In that case, I shall be finding myself suited to do none other and be none other than to sleep and be asleep." He said and sunk down into a chair, adjusting his hat over his eyes.

"Can I see that?" Eliza asked and swiped his gun from his belt. Jack was up and had her cornered in a heartbeat. "Mummy says that guns are dangerous and that no one irresponsible should have them. She also says-"

"Tell me," Jack asked, annoyed and trying to grab his gun though failing. "Does your daddy _ever_ get a word in edgewise?"

The little girl thought, still clutching the gun. "Yes," she said.

"Well," Jack smiled, "What does your _daddy_ say?"

"Daddy says never talk to strangers and never fight with a pirate, because he's likely to be beaten by an old drunken man with an empty bottle just as easily."

Jack sighed and rolled his eyes. He had to make sure to give Will his regards when the bloody rum-less bastard got home.

-

Jack had Eliza cornered as she hung onto his pistol. He was about to lung for her, when the baby began to cry.

"What's wrong with little Jack 2?" He asked, peering into the cradle. Eliza came over as well.

"I think Lucy wants something." She informed him. He looked over at her.

"Who's Lucy?" He asked. She looked up at him then apparently deemed it not worth explaining.

"She needs food, I bet." Eliza told him and Jack looked at the baby.

"She needs rum." He grumbled and Eliza petted the baby's head as it screamed.

"Mummy feeds her with her breasts." Eliza told Jack. Jack looked at the little girl again, then down at his chest.

"Um, in case it might have slipped passed you," he whispered to her, "I have a severe lack of anything resembling said breasts. If I did have them, I would have no further use for Tortuga." He said and Eliza looked down at the baby again.

"Sometimes, mummy has to change her cloth." She told Jack, pointing to the white cloth wrapped around the baby's bottom. Jack made a horribly sour face and stuck his tongue in and out of his mouth.

"Yes, well, be that as it may, I am not emotionally prepared to undertake that, savvy?" He asked her and she put her hands on her hips, holding the gun in her right hand.

"Mr. Jack, my baby sister needs to be changed, and mummy says-"

"Hey- hey!" He yelled at her and waved his arms for her attention. "Mummy isn't here, is she now?" He then murmured to himself as he picked at the cloth around the baby's bottom, "She isn't here and she _still_ manages to bugger up my day."

-

So, was it okay? I had a lot to live up to with all those reviews… Unsigned, as always, welcome…


	3. So not funny

_Okay, well, as requested, here's another chapter… Hope it lives up to expectations… Thanks for all the reviews!_

The Babysitter

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"Alright, then…" Jack moved about the cradle of the crying baby like he was trying to take it by surprise. "Maybe I'll…" He picked at the child's cloth. "Or perhaps I could…" He tried to get into position to pick the baby up. "Or should I just…" He subtly attempted to cover the babe's open mouth until Eliza realized what he was up to.

"Just pick up Lucy!" She yelled at him and he stepped back, his hands up.

"Hold on to your corset, mate. I am simply attempting to find the most effective method of lifting the, erm, Little Jack 2." He explained and Eliza glared at him.

"It's a baby! How many ways are there to lift it?" She asked and Jack rolled his eyes, before leaping forward in one swift motion and snatching up the child as though it were something about to bite his fingers off. He then proceeded to hold the child at arms length as it screeched.

"Look!" Jack had to yell over the child's cries, "Now it's _louder_!" Eliza had covered her ears and yelled at him,

"You're holding her upside-down!" She yelled and Jack re-examined the child. That, he assessed, could just be the problem. He turned it right side-up. The child sniffed and looked at him. "It's _leaking_." He informed Eliza, referring to the snot running from the baby's nose and the tears running from her eyes.

"You've got to _cradle_ her." Eliza told him, and made a motion like she was cradling an air baby. Jack watched her, then looked at the wet child he held at arms length. Suddenly, the baby gave a loud noise, an explosion, really, and snot went all over the captain. Jack screamed and thrust the child backwards and it flew through the air and landed in a chair, where it sat upright against the back.

"Mr. Jack!" Eliza yelled at him in a voice that could have been a carbon copy of Elizabeth's. Jack spun and glared at her.

"Oh, Elizabeth, _now_ you show up! Keep me here with your- Oh." He realized the voice was Eliza's and stopped as she looked at him though he were mad. "Ahem." Jack cleared his throat and sat down in a chair. "I believe, as that last outburst might suggest, that I am in need of sleep or drink, and since your mummy seems adamant about the lack of one, I shall choose the other."

"Mummy wouldn't like that." Eliza informed him as the captain put his feet up. "Mummy says that feet should stay on the ground. Mummy also says-"

"Oh, for the love of Davy Jones…" Jack muttered, pulling his hat down and over his eyes.

"Who's Davy Jones?" Eliza asked.

"It's a secret." Jack informed her in a grumbly voice.

"Mummy says, 'secrets, secrets are no fun, unless you share them with everyone.'" She recited and Jack muttered,

"And _that's_ because she has no rum." He grinned at his little rhyme that prompted a,

"What?" from Eliza.

"That's because your mummy has no good secrets." He grunted. Eliza huffed and looked around.

"Lucy?" She suddenly called out. "Lucy? Lucy, where are you?" She called in sudden panic.

"Lucy?" Jack thought about the name. "Lucy?... Lucy?... Do I know a Lucy?" He wondered aloud and lifted his hat to see Eliza searching on the floor and a very empty chair across from him.

"Little Jack 2!" He called out suddenly, and sat upright. He leapt out of his chair and began to look around. "Where the bloody hell could it have gotten to? It's less than the size of a bloody steering wheel!" Jack yelled and looked over at Eliza, who searched under furniture. "How do you loose a bloody steering wheel!" He yelled louder and looked over at Eliza again. "What, no 'Mummy says' now?" He asked, annoyed and making strange hand motions. "No 'Mummy says, when you loose the baby,' or 'Mummy says, when the leaker gets away…" Jack said as he crawled and searched. "Oh, I know just what she'd say…" He said, making his voice high like Elizabeth's, "'Oh, Will, let's get this dreadful pirate out of our nice, clean house so that you and I can run on upstairs and make more bloody babies!" He hollered and Eliza looked over at him, looking so scared and worried she was about to cry. "Oh, no-no!" Jack tried to shush her, but she burst into tears. Jack took a minute to appreciate the humor in the situation. There was a silent, missing baby, a four year old that screeched at the top of her lungs and he was sober as Will Turner had ever been. There was no humor, he realized. No humor at all.

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Was it good, then? I hope it was as funny as the others… Reviews? As always, unsigned welcome…


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